A plea to Ms. Rowling. Don't! You ended it well.

Pirates Ending

Kathi and I watched the third installment of The Pirates of the Caribbean last night. The only reason I sat through the whole thing was for closure.

The final (hopefully) movie in the series is subtitled At World's End. The subtitle should have been A Long Disconnected Bore. The feeling I got while watching the movie was that the creators were bored doing this series and just wanted it to be done. The first movie was good. You could feel the excitement of the creators wanting to do justice to one of the classic rides at Disneyland. The second movie gave the feeling of a sequel that was forced due to the success of its predecessor. And the third was made only to give finality to the second movie which ended in the middle of a story.

The movie was rated PG-13 and is not for kids. It starts out with the hanging of scores of people, including a child. They show the gallows and necks being put in the noose, the hangman pulling a lever, and then from below the show the legs and feet of the hanged jerk and twitch. This is definitely not for kids. Way to go Disney. They also show a lady being shot in the forehead at point blank range. Was that really necessary? The creators have to know that people are going to bring kids to see these. My kids are mad because we aren't letting them see it. They just don't realize the torture we are saving them from; both the violent scenes and the boring movie.

The story was full of assumptions and missing information for the viewer. You felt like there was something you were missing in the conversations between different characters that were plotting and aligning. They were in on something that you weren't and that you would eventually find out but don't. I am typically pretty good at following these types of plots, maybe it was the late night or the martini early on but I was lost.

It is rare for a movie series to do well into the third installment. There are exceptions like The Lord of the Rings, the original Star Wars and The Bourne series but most peter out and die. One that is still in the works that I am hoping is among the former is The Chronicles of Narnia. The second movie comes out in 2008 and I am looking forward to it.

For now my love for Pirates will stay with the first and only the first movie in the series. The second two I will wipe from my mind and forget.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

I know I've written about my feelings in the past about Weather People but here's another short rant.

Yesterday at work everyone got excited about a Heavy Snow Warning in our area. They (when I say 'they' I mean the Weather people) said that we would get 3 - 6 inches on the valley floor and warned drivers to stay home unless absolutely necessary. Yikes! With a warning like that who would get up early to go to work? Me. I woke up at six in the morning a looked out the window at the rain. No Snow. Rain.

My drive to work was uneventful. I checked the forcast again and it said that the warning was still in effect but was delayed until later in the day. Later in the day it still rained. Rain. No snow. All day this went on until I drove home... in the rain.

So here is what I think... God doesn't watch sitcoms, he watches the weather channel and laughs saying "oh, is that what's going to happen... ha! ha! haa! you thing your so smart. just keep trying to figure my creation out."

The best was during my drive home the news actually tried to set aside the missed forecast by saying that sometimes the mixture of cold weather and percipitation doesn't always make for snow. Cold weather? It was 38 degrees. Not cold enough to snow.

So Weather Peeps. Get on it. God isn't going to let you guess that easy so next time go easy on the quick weather warnings and save us all some false hope of a day at home watching the snow fall while the kids giggle and scream for joy.

Merry Christmas

What a great day to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior.

It is snowing!

I got an email from and old friend!

I don't have to work!

We are spending the day as a family and with some friends!

Kathi is a great cook!

Thank you Lord for the blessings in our life.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May the Lord bless and keep you.

Some Nuts Are Hard To Crack

Fat Guy and a Sub

I don't understand Subway's new ad campaign. A number of years ago they introduced us to Jared, a normal everyday fat guy who used Subway as a weight loss program. For years skinny Jared has been the face of Subway. Now we've got big fat Peter Griffin from the hit series Family Guy. I've seen Family Guy a few times. It is funny but very crass and over the top and definitely not for the family.

So we've got a fat cartoon character from a not so family friendly cartoon series promoting a family friendly healthy alternative for fast food. I just don't understand why Subway decided to go this direction. Homer Simpson promoting donuts, that I get.

Does seeing a fat guy promoting this sandwich make you want to eat one? Not me. They've even changed the kids menu to provide relatively healthy sides like yogurt and apple slices instead of chips. How do you reconcile the two? A fat guy and a "healthy" food. I am at a loss.

Resolutions

First let me say that I've never been a big New Year's Resolution kinda guy. I think this year might be a little different. There are some passions and/or hobbies that I've let go of over the years and I think this year I am going to rekindle those passions.

As a kid I used to draw and create, I don't do much of that anymore. People always told me that I had a natural talent and that I should pursue doing more. Most of them were my family, some of which still egg me on. So this year I am going to start drawing more. I bought a nice set of colored pencils that should help get me started. The one decision on this subject I haven't made is whether or not I will be sharing this art work. I'll let you know.

The first year after I graduated from college I learned how to shoot. Not pictures but guns. Oh boy are they fun. Don't jump up and get all "guns-kill" on my butt. I kill paper targets. Kill 'em dead. My hard and fast rule is if I can't gut, clean and section it I can't kill it. So I don't hunt. Blood and guts are not my thing. The paper targets I shoot don't have feelings, blood, or guts so I shoot away. The other nice thing is that they don't shoot back. Shooting is a challenge and harder than most people might think. So this year I am going to make a bigger effort to get to the range and practice shooting.

The other kind of shooting is another thing I'd like to do more of. Yes, the picture kind of shooting. Right now I have a small digital camera that does not lend to much creative manipulation so I may start saving for a digital SLR. In high school and college I used to do quite a bit and now really only take snapshots of the family. Like many of the hobbies I've had over the years this one isn't free. The start up for me will be about $2K to get the camera I like.

The last thing isn't really a hobby or passion but more a necessity for longevity. Exercise. Kathi and I are thinking of joining a gym again. If we do I will be giving up a little of one of my favorite things, sleep. Going to the gym will require very early mornings. Back in the day I used to get up at 5 and head down for an hours workout before work. We are waiting to see what specials the local gyms throw at us for the new year.

So this year is a new year (duh). We'll see how it goes. This past year threw a lot at us and we survived. As with all new things there is a sense of hope and promise. I just pray that I am disciplined enough to persevere.

Is It Over Yet?

Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a sucky day at work and today is adding up to be just as sucky.

One of the things I don't like about my job is that so much of my stress is caused by others not getting things done and there isn't much I can do about it. I am not a control freak by any means but there are times when I feel like it is just easier to do it all myself. All of it! The problem is I can't do it all. I just can't. As much as I'd like to it ain't gunna happen.

One of two trucks is pulling out of our lot now after sitting here for almost 24 hours. They were supposed to be loaded yesterday and on the road to Seattle to get loaded onto a ship heading to the UK. I've been fielding phone calls from everyone and their brother that has to do with the truck, ship, brokerage, customer, mother, brother, & kitchen sink. Now I'm tired. Is it Saturday yet? Oh wait. I've still got one more fire to watch. There is a good chance I'll be at work on Saturday to load a truck to Canada.

Will I ever look back and say "I miss those days of craziness"? The chance of that is about the same as the media leaving Jamie Lynn Spears alone for the next nine months.

Christmas is Near

So Christmas is near. We've been barraged by ads and displays since Halloween but the real deal is almost here.

This year I've been called a Scrooge and a Grinch and probably deserved to some degree. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, I just don't love all the crap that goes along with it. So to get out of a Scrinchy mood I'd like to celebrate one aspect of Christmas that I do enjoy in small doses. Music.

In celebration of Christmas I am posting my favorite Christmas related songs. Here they are in no particular order:

• Silent Night
• O Come Emmanuel
  
• White Christmas (only Bings version)
• Gloria in Excelsis Deo
• Christmas in Hollis
• That Spirit of Christmas

Go forth, listen, & enjoy.

You gotta fave?

Ka-Razy Day

Today was a crazy day. Work was filled with bad news after bad news. Things just weren't going well. Then comes noon time. Just before lunch four police officers show up. Thankfully not for me. They speak with the HR lady and then head outside. I saw them standing to the side of the door that leads to our shop and I hear the receptionist page one of the shop guys to the front office. I asked the HR lady what is going on and she says that they are here to get a guy on murder charges. What the!!! Murder??? So seeing that the cops are waiting by the door that the guy will have to come through to go to the office I run upstairs for a front row view. A few minutes go by and nothing. They are still standing there. A few more minutes go by... Then finally HR lady goes out and gets him in the shop. As soon as she and murderer (alleged) are by the door the cops swoop in and grab him. He doesn't fight them. He's cuffed and searched and read his rights and is taken away.

The story I got was that (all of this is alleged - to be politically correct) ten years ago he killed his cousin by putting a chain around his neck which was tied to some heavy blocks and tossed him in the Willamette River. He then fled to Mexico and wasn't caught until today. He was caught because he used a variation of his real name and his aunt found out he was around and turned him in. Since the statute of limitations for murder never ends they grabbed him.

So for the past few months I have been working with an alleged murderer in my midst. Just goes to show that you never know about some people. I would have never pinned this guy for a psyco-cousin-killer. He was nice and polite. I know it sounds cliché but it's true.

JSmall This Ones For You

This is one of the best bass players I have ever heard. Her name is Tal Wilkenfeld and I believe she is about 21 years young. If you don't think girls can play bass just watch these.



And with Jeff Beck @ Crossroads...

Peanut Butter Candy Lovers Beware

"Hey, you got a little peanut butter on my Three Musketeer bar!"

"No, you got a little Three Musketeer bar in my peanut butter!"

This could be the ad copy for the new commercial promoting Reece's new creation, Whipps. Yummy. It is like a peanut butter flavored Three Musketeer bar. I highly recommend it with a good cup of French Roast coffee.

Guitar Hero

Recently I had a conversation with some young people about the latest video game craze Guitar Hero. If you are unfamiliar with Guitar Hero it is a game that is played on a video console and the controller is a plastic guitar with five colored buttons on the neck and a strum bar on the body. The object is to match the colored button and strum on the screen which in turn is playing to a popular guitar song. If you've played Dance Dance Revolution or are at least familiar with the concept, it is the same idea but using your hands and a toy guitar instead of your feet.

The main part of the discussion was based upon a comment my brother-in-law made: "You can spend hours playing this game or you can spend hours learning to play a real guitar." Yes! Exactly. The youngsters had been surfing YouTube to watch some of the Guitar Hero superstars do their thing. I decided to show them a real Guitar Hero.

I leave it up to you to decide.

Do you want to be this???


Or this???

Just in case you were wondering if my kids were talented, check this out.
She's got skilz.

In A Perfect Kids World

I wish the world was as simple as kids see it. Tonight on our way home the kids were telling me the ideal places that they would like to see me work. Here is the short list:

• The Sweet Factory
• Baja Fresh
• 7-11
• Target
• Krispy Kreme

When you look at the list you can see that their motivation for my employment at these places isn't the income potential but the perks. Free candy, donuts, Slurpees, toys, etc.

It would be nice if it were that simple. No need to worry about income levels, medical/dental & retirement benefits, or suitable hours just what you can get for free. I imagine heaven like this. The jobs or work we will do will suit us. It will be the perfect job, one that gives us great pleasure to do. Yes, people I do think we will work in heaven and it will be glorious. We will work for the King and maybe sometimes work with Him. We will have smiles on our faces and dirt on our hands and each day we will have a Slurpee to celebrate the work that was done. We will look forward to working and be greatly rewarded when the work is done.

Kids see things better than adults do sometimes. It pays to listen to them and dream like them. I just wish their reality was ours sometimes.

Short work week.

Turkey.

Stuffing.

Family time.

Mashed Potato's.

Gravy.

Settler's of Catan.

Football.

Extra sleep.

Short work week.

It's after 10 and I am sitting here securing my place in the ranks of Bejeweled lore while listening to the new Demon Hunter CD Storming the Gates of Hell. The kids are upstairs sleeping hopefully having pleasant dreams. Before bed my daughter kept telling me that she couldn't stop seeing the dying gerbil. I will grant her that it wasn't pretty. Poor Ghost just lay there having seizures, eyes bugging, and sucking in deep breaths.

Kathi just walked in the door after a night with the ladies playing Bunko. It is time for bed.

Goodbye Ghost

We lost Ghost tonight. She died as I held her. She was a good gerbil. The kids took it hard but will be okay. Kathi was just glad that I got home when I did so she didn't have to handle them by herself.
Emily is alone now. One day it will be her turn to be mourned and cried for and buried under the rose bushes.

Ghost the Gerbil

We have a crisis at home. One of our gerbils, Ghost, is on the brink of death. My daughter, the kind-hearted sweet young girl she has grown up to be is taking it hard. I spoke to her on the phone this morning and she is very sad. She has Ghost wrapped in a cloth and is holding her. She has told me that she has a Cheerio that Ghost took a bite out of, a tissue that she used to pick up her poops, the cloth she is holding her in, and some gerbil hairs in a plastic bag that she wants to keep to remember her by. It is going to be a long day for her (and my wife). My son was still asleep when I called so he doesn't know yet. I don't think he'll take it as hard as my daughter but Ghost is his gerbil so it won't be easy.

Before I left the house this morning I checked on Ghost and she wasn't moving too much. The first thought that went through my head was to pull a "Dwight" and put Ghost in the freezer and leave a goodbye note on the cage to my kids from Ghost. Then I remembered that my daughter is ten and knows that gerbils can't write. To bad because the note would have been in sloppy gerbil writing with a little paw print next to the signature. Cute, huh?

While talking to my daughter about Ghost I told her that we could make a nice coffin for her and bury her in the yard. She was quick to list her desires for the burial. One, we couldn't bury Ghost in the woods as the raccoons would desecrate her grave. Two, we are to bury her under the rose bushes in the front yard so the kids always know where she is. Three, we can't ever move. There you have it. I guess we will live there forever to watch over the grave of our beloved Ghost.

This is a must see video for those that are fans of The Karate Kid. Don't kid yourself, you know you loved that movie.

Let's all thank Billy Zabka for having a sense of humor and helping No More Kings get this video together.

Vince Flynn

By the by I finished Protect and Defend by Vince Flynn. Rocked! Mitch Rapp is a bad ass.

That is my review.

Endless E-Mail

So far this month I have received 385 emails at work. This does not include spam which is filtered by our server and I never see it. Since today is the 13th and there has been 8.5 working days so far that is 45.3 emails per day. People come on really now stop it. This is ridiculous. I spend my day chasing things down in order to respond only to get another email response back asking for something more.

I know sometimes email is easy and quick but many times it is unnecessary. I have one person who sends me emails where the subject line is the whole email. Puhlease. Couldn't you just call me or instant message me with that? Are you trying to CYA so you send an email you can save in a secret file only to be pulled out later just to show you sent it?

Then there are the email threads where my name is in the CC so I get all 88 of the back-n-forths between all parties. I have no power to remove myself from those so I end up shortening the life of my delete button by hitting it with excessive force just to make myself feel a little better.

On the CC note, I also hate getting emails from somebody and seeing others CC'd on it. Okay sometimes I understand this, but most of the time I don't. Why did you CC Joe Schmo who doesn't have jack to do with this? Why? Is he part of some secret information society or a junky who must know everything.

UGH.

What did we do before email? Talk? Eww, that would be awful (let me pull my tongue out of my cheek).

Weekend Stuff

I wouldn't categorize this weekend as one of the best in my life but it was a good one. I accomplished some things. Not a lot of things mind you but enough that made me feel like I did something other than lay around and recuperate from a busy week.

Accomplishments:

• Finished reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to my kids. As a celebration we stayed up late and watched the movie.
• Changed the brake pads and rotated the tires on my car. This only took 20 minutes which made me proud. It used to take forever. I also did it without referring to the Chilton book I own. Plus I save a bunch of money doing it myself. Yeah for saving money.
  
• Read a book. I Sold My Soul on eBay - Hemant Mehta. I will be honest and say that I did not read the last chapter and a half, I only skimmed them. I didn't enjoy this book as much as I thought I would. He was predictable and repetitive. It bugged me that he felt like he needed to remind the reader, as if we were numb in the brain, that he is an Athiest. Duh. Tell us once and we'll remember that especially since it is in the subtitle of your book.
• Bought the new Vince Flynn book - Protect and Defend and started reading it. I'll be done soon. He's one of my favorite purveyors of mind candy.
  
• Knocked my wifes last high score off the Bejeweled top scores for the Action level. You've now got to get a million points to even get on the list. Take that! (I'm not at all competitive - right Daniel)
• Bought a battery for my bike along with a trickle charger to keep it fresh through the winter.
  

Minor as the seem it made my weekend feel complete.

November

I love November. Often known only as the month that contains Thanksgiving November is probably considered a lesser month. For me that is not the case. November brings on the cold. I like the cold. Bundling up, layering, turning up the heat, using extra blankets, slippers... all these are good things.

This morning I had to scrape the frozen dew off my windshield. Brrr! It was cold, yet oddly refreshing. This is a ritual that I will participate in for the next few months as my car in not pampered with its own garage.

There is not a cloud in the extra blue autumn sky. The shadows are deep and long. The crisp air holds my breath for a fleeting moment before returning to chill my lungs. Perfect.

November also brings the hope of snow. Although we don't get that much here it is still fun to hope for and still more fun to get. I hope that this year is a big snow year. Lots and lots of the fluffy white stuff that brings joy to all of us with the little kid still dwelling in our hearts.

Happy Halloween!!!

Home, Simple Home

I got back from Texas today from a successful trip. I am glad to be home, see the family, sleep in my own bed, eat homemade food, etc.

Tomorrow it is back to the office. I have plenty of emails waiting to be dealt with. Fun times.

The speed limit in Dallas is 60 on the freeways. I know, I'm jealous too. Not only is it 60 but people actually drive 60 or faster. Unlike the 217 which has a speed limit of 55 and people drive 45 even when there is no traffic. Totally irritating. The rental car I was driving had a navigation system that verbally told me turn by turn instructions. This left me free to drive along instead of panicking over every street sign making sure I was heading the right way.

On another note. I am simplifying my life, especially my online life. As of today my MySpace and Facebook accounts have been canceled. I didn't use them much and hardly ever checked them. So I wiped them out. Gone. Done. I'm sure my presence there will not be missed.

Speaking of Ron Paul... guess where I am?

TEXAS!!!

I am sitting in a hotel in Lubbock waiting to meet some guys for a little Outback Steak House. Yummy.

I am taking a couple fella's from the UK on a tour of a couple facilities that have our equipment here in Texas. So far our first stop (which was actually in Oklahoma) was shut down so all we could see was the equipment just sitting there. Bummer. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading down to the metropolis of Denver City. Brownie points for those of you who look it up on Google Earth. After that it is back to Dallas for a flight home Wednesday morning. Yehaw!

Texas so far is unimpressive. Flat, dry, and boring. What was impressive was the thunderstorm last night at about 11. It went on for hours. Loud, bright, wet, etc. I sat in my room and enjoyed the light show for a while. They know how to do thunderstorms down here.

On a serious note... please pray for my mom. She is struggling with some health issues. Thanks.

I'm Going Public

I just received in the mail an official looking census form from the Republican National Committee (RNC). I opened it and perused it, flipped it in my hands, read some of the questions, and then turned to the very last page. Guess what was on it. That's right. A place to fill in your credit card information to make a donation to the RNC. Yuck. I don't think so.

First, please know that I have never nor will ever give money to a political party. The money I give goes to places I know will spend it wisely.

So, saying that... If I was to donate money to a political party or person it would go to this guy!

|
|
|
V
RON PAUL!!!

There I said it. I like this guy and I hope he goes all the way to the White House. He's old school and wants to take the country back to its roots spelled out in the Constitution. Compare what he says to what the others are saying. He makes sense. Type his name into YouTube and watch the videos.

Here is an interview with him by a college student from his dorm room.

Ill Times

Out sick today! Third day of yuck.

Not a good weekend. I hate being sick.

I think I can count the amount of times I've been sick in the last 10 years on one hand. Usually I just go to work but today I was so wiped out I felt like my body and mind needed another day of rest. Plus my co-workers don't need to hear my sick sounds all day long. My family loves me unconditionally and will accept me and my noises for a few days.

I can imagine what my email inbox looks like. Yikes. I know you are saying "Brian, it is only one day". But then again you don't know my boss. He loves to send emails and hates to get them. I'll just have to respond to each and every one.

I'll continue to rest until the morning when I jet off to work again. However tomorrow will be a short day due to a dentist appointment in the afternoon. Ugh.

I have no medical evidence to support this but I am sure that caffeine is a big reason that I am feeling better. Saturday I just had a touch, yesterday none, and today loads of it.

Out of love and respect for my family I shall now sanitize the mouse and keyboard.

(The Angel's losing in a sweep to the Red Sox didn't help this weekend either! Congrats Missy!)

See, I'm not crazy. I knew there was a reason I didn't like this stuff.

From an email I received today

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.

We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .

We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

A Little Baseball

Did anyone else notice the "x" next to the Angels name in the standings? I did.

What does the "x" mean? Matt, I knew you'd ask. x=clinched division.

Playoffs here we come. Sorry Mariner fans. Better luck next year.

Marcel Marceau dies at 84. A moment of silence while we wave goodbye.

It has been a rough week. It has been a rough month.

Tonight I am looking forward to a Mute Math concert with my wife.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to sleeping in and 3:10 to Yuma with the guys.

People may I have your attention please. It is "a lot" not "alot" or "allot".

Really. It's not that hard. Right Chris. I know you know.

There is a lack of attention getting paid to the Los Angeles Angels of Anahiem. Hello! They are tied for the best record in the Majors. So here is a shout out to my team.

GO ANGELS!!!

I guess when your team is made up of hard working players who get the job done instead of overpaid, egotistical, dirt bags (a la the Yankees) it is easy to ignore you. Just wait 'til October people.

Arrr, hello Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum?

It is officially Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Give me your best pirate line.

It's a Special Day

Guess Who's Birthday it is Today???!!! No, No Besides Prince Harry's.

And Dan Marino's.

Come on people don't you know.

Maybe we can get her to stand up.


*****
(Enticing Applause Inserted Here)

*****


Oh come on Don't be shy. Will the Birthday Girl PLEASE stand up. Where is she?

Come on Cheer her on. Let's make some noise.

*****
(Thunderous Clapping)

*****

I think it's working...

There she is! Wahoo! Yipee!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!

Here's to another year.

I LOVE YOU KATHI!

Today I took a little tumble at work. We were loading a couple sea containers with some equipment heading to China and I was helping secure the equipment in the container. As I went to climb out my left foot caught a rubber grommit as my right was swinging over for the jump. I lost my balance and fell about four feet to the ground... in front of five other people. I landed on my left hip and elbow. Ow! I quickly stood up and said that I was okay. As I said it I was taking a mental inventory on the possible injuries. It came up blank. I was okay. So I laughed it off. Once I laughed the guys all laughed too. It must have been quite the sight.

Now two hours later I am sitting in my office chair a little sore.

Always on the look out for the creative check this out. Junky Car Club.

Mike Foster, a founding member of X3Church has put this together. I love it because the concept is simple. Now all we need is the Junky Car Club Mechanics to help keep the cost of repairs to the junkers down. Come on wrench-heads out there, one of you will step up.

Abortion Kills

I will admit up front that I have not had a passion for the issue of abortion. I don't know much about it and have never felt called to be an activist fighting against it. Well I came across an organization that is fighting the good fight against abortion. They are Abort73. Their website is fascinating, disturbing, informative and heart wrenching. I will do my part, although an eansy-weansy part, to spread the word and to pray.

Father, forgive us for not acting on behalf of the helpless. Forgive me for turning away and not paying attention to this slaughter. Forgive them as they know not what they do.

I walked through two huge spider webs this morning while walking to my car. Gross. My neighbors were all probably watching me dance around trying to pull off the invisible intruders. What a sight I must have been.

My wife just brought me a Dutch Bros. latte at work

MMMM... it's the little things that matter.

Love you lady.

Our trip is coming to a close. Today we are in Rockford, IL and enjoyed a fun water park with the kids. Tomorrow we are off to Chicago. We'll visit Willow Creek for worship and then kill some time before our flight at 7:30.

Last night we had a nice dinner with some good friends of my in-laws. The dinner was interrupted by a phone call from my sister letting me know that my mom was in a bicycle accident and broke her hip. She is doing okay. She had surgery today and the reports are good. It is hard to be so far away and feeling a little useless. My sister hung with my dad during the surgery (thanks Mo) which helped my comfort my dad. My mom will get out of the hospital in a few days. Any and all prayers for her are appreciated.

Work starts back up Monday even though I feel like I'll need another week to recuperate from the trip we've had.

Here are some fun photos from the trip so far. The pictures from St. Louis were taken during a visit to my sisters house in Belleville, Il. Thanks Jen, Natalie and Nathaniel for a fun visit. We miss you guys already. And Jen, we will be practicing our Catan. Watch out next time.

The Gateway to the West.

Sweet hats courtesy of Natalie (my niece)

The kiddos at the Arch.

Me and my protege.

The kids at Grampa's playhouse.

At the St. Louis zoo.

Signs

We are still in Illinoise and enjoying our time. More later.

For now I am posting a couple of the very creative church signs we have seen on our travels.

Inspirational aren't they?

Vacaciones!

We are off. I am off... for a week. YES!!!

Heading to the flatlands of Illinois. If it wasn't for my in-laws and sisters family we'd never go there. Never. This to say I look forward to seeing family but I don't look forward to the state they live in. Flat. Hot. Humid. Flat. Sticky. Did I mention it is flat. We are spoiled in Oregon. If you ever get tired of living here just go to Illinois for a week and then you appreciate what we have here. God's country.

This is my first time going to the Land of Lincoln when it isn't the middle of winter. I am hoping to see some firefly's. I've never seen one.

I've got my relax on, my books packed, and it's time to go. Later friends.

Worth every 8:23's of your time to watch this. It has to be one of the coolest videos I've seen.

The press will need to make a big deal out of this because the only people that saw it happened were the 42 people at the game.

Simpsonized

So according to this website this is what I would look like as a Simpson character. Here I am walking on the waterfront in Portland. Nice!

Simpson Brian Downtown Portland

Best Movie of the Summer

Remember when Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear played conjoined twins? Me too. However, Bourne Ultimatum will help cleanse your Matt Damon palette of that horrible memory.
This summer has been filled with disappointments and surprises in the movie world. Transformers was way better than I thought it would be. Spiderman III was good but not as good as I'd hoped. Harry Potter... disappointed. Pirates III and Ocean's III I haven't seen.

The Bourne Ultimatum tops them all in my book as the best movie of the summer. The movie was full of action, the story line was good, and they finished off the trilogy well. One of the things that bugged me, which bugged me in other movies this summer, was that some of the action scenes used fast camera work instead of well choreographed fight scenes. This way of filming feels cheap. It seems like an easy way out for the filmmaker; they get in the action without really working for it. But I say that with forgiveness for all the other scenes that rocked. I give it two thumbs up, five stars, four boxes of popcorn or whatever rating system works for you. I just ask Matt to stick with movie genres that work for you. Stay away from the silly comedy buddy movies.

Not much makes me feel old. Today while I was getting my haircut, one question did... the stylist asked me if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed.

I don't like it when I get my hopes too high.

I hope it is God whispering, but I've been there before and had my hopes diminished.

Hello? Is that you God?

My hopes are rising. Please may it be your Spirit guiding.

At 2 o'clock today the song 2:00 Your Time by Ace Troubleshooter played on my iPod.

Weird coincidence or is my iPod playing with me?

Pray for our brothers and sisters in the middle east.

May their work and martyrdom lead others to Christ.

Detroit Lake '07

Just home from a nice long weekend at Detroit Lake. We left Thursday to meet up with a big group of friends to camp at the lake for a long weekend. We had a good time. Yesterday the wind kicked up which brought my allergies out for a fire storm of yuckiness. All in all it was fun.

Thanks to the Powers and their boat we got to go out and enjoy the lake. Kathi skied and Brianna tubed. Alex and I make good boat riders. The evenings were filled with games and fun conversation.

One bummer about the campsite was the proximity of neighbors. We had choice ones. Granted we didn't have to deal with the smell and flushings others had to deal with by being close to the bathrooms. We just had neighbors who stayed up late drinking then were up early with load obnoxious kids. They didn't know how to use quiet voices I guess. Bless my wife for letting me sleep in each day. If you can call waking up every five minutes to a crying or screaming kid sleep.

Here are some photos of our weekend. Sorry Alex but I somehow didn't get a single photo of you.

Brianna at the lake.
Brianna tubing.
Taking a ride.
She insists that it was a scratch... no pick.
Hot momma skiing.

It was fun to hang out with everyone for the weekend. We are looking forward to next year. Thanks all.

Okay, I did find a photo with Alex in it.
He's right behind Kathi, just follow the arrow.

Edit:
Thanks to Mrs. V. here is a photo of Alex...

The Scary Carbon Stuff

6.2

That is my carbon footprint according to the Live Earth survey.

It is less than the 7.5 tons per year average.

So my life style produces 6.2 tons of carbon? What does that mean? What does that look like?

If everything on earth is carbon based where is that 6.2 tons of carbon going? Into the atmosphere? The ocean? Is somebody eating it?

My point is the number means nothing to me. My existance alone no matter what I eat, drink, or drive probably produces some amount of carbon. Isn't it part of the cycle of life. Spiders eat flies, birds eat spiders, cats eat birds, I kick cats.... That cycle. (Matt, I don't really kick cats, I just think about it)

So 6.2 is that good? Bad? Indifferent? What should it be?

Al... any thoughts?

Sigh...

Wind, Rain, Sand and Good Friends

Yesterday we went to Gearhart to celebrate a couple of birthdays and just to have fun. Happy Birthday Anthony. Happy Birthday Me.

We had wind, rain, and blowing sand. If it wasn't for the fact that we were with friends we would have turned right around. With a borrowed tent, some tarps, and a hot fire we made the best of it. It turned out to be fun. Here are some photos of the grand event.
The camp. The kids.
The girl saving the world one bird at a time. Somebody (to be unnamed) was shooting seagulls with a potato gun so Brianna ran around scaring away the birds.

The boy in a hole.

Thank you to all the brave souls and true Oregonians that came out for the fun.

My son put his temporary tattoo's on his buttocks this morning. Oh my. He just had to show us.

In the past I've posted on the funny things my kids say... here & here.

Recently my mom mentioned during my kids week at her house that she should have written down some of the things that the kids had said that she found funny. This reminded me that I haven't posted any for a while.

So here are some more gems:

• Alex, Kathi & I were trying to take a nap on the bed. Alex said "This is like watching a sunset with blankets."
• Alex to Kathi, "Mom, does my p*nis look like a hot dog?"
• Me to Alex "Where did you get that laugh?!" Alex "It's how God made me!"
• Me to Alex "Where do you think up all these questions?" Alex "In my brain."
• While watching a video of himself at swimming lessons Alex says "I sound like a girl."
• Alex "Dad, when Brianna was a baby she wasn't my arch-enemy, she was too cute." Brianna informed him he wasnt' born yet when she was a baby and he said "Well I was thinking about you."
  Ten seconds later...
  Alex "Dad, before I was born I was a puzzle and God put me together." Me "So are you a puzzle?" Alex "No! I'm Alex."
• Alex to Kathi "Mom, if I didn't believe in God would you kick me in the head?"
• While watching Superman: The Movie specifically the scene when Krypton is being destroyed... Alex "Look, it's raining people and buildings."
  Later during a chase scene "Do bad guys have licenses?"

Psyco Kia

Monday on my way home from work I met Psyco Kia (PK). Two cars ahead of me was a brand new Kia that loved her new brakes. I watched her tail end bob up and down as she punched her brakes clearly irritated by the driver behind her. The sad thing is is that the driver behind her was a good 4 or 5 car lengths back, and for good reason. This went on for about 3 miles before the car in front of me and directly behing PK turned another way. Now it was my turn.

Driving along with plenty of room between PK and my beloved Camry I finally got to see the driver. She is an older lady who is flat out, down right, out of her mind psyco. She would look in her mirror, punch the brakes, and roll her finger around her temple giving the crazy sign. To me. Hello! Who is the crazy one here? Her other move would be to first punch the brakes, point behind her, and yell something. What she was saying, I have no idea. I am sure it was priceless.

The other thing that was maddening was the fact the she was a double footed driver. One foot on the gas and one on the brake. So her brake lights were always on. This way the punch would come as a suprise to the person behind her. This at the time being me.

This was beyond irritating, especially after a long day. I had had enough. I gave her the bird and not the kind with feathers if you know what I mean. To which she responded with obnoxious clapping. I don't feel good about flipping off and old bat who is out of her head, it just happened. I couldn't get around her or go another way. For miles I was trapped.

Up ahead came my salvation. There are two ways to get to where I was going. She went straight and I went left. But I wasn't fast enough. Somehow she beat me to the next intersection and again I was behind PK. And pissed. Another mile behind the psyco crazy women twirling her fingers and stabbing her brakes. She finally turned off. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y.

Tuesday morning bright eyed and bushy tailed I was off to work. Half a mile into my commute guess who pulled in front of me. Like she was waiting, watching for her favorite brake punch game victim. Suck. What are the odds. Maybe she last night was a fluke. Nope. Punch, punch, finger wag and twirl.

Birthday Week

Those that know me know that I don't make a big deal about my birthday. To quote myself "it's just another day". I get to my birthday each year and I don't feel any different than the day before. I don't mean to bum people out by being so blah about my birthday so this year I'll try to be more excited. WAHOO!

On Saturday I'll be 39. One step closer to 40. Ooooh. I know, 40, so old.

The plan for Saturday is to spend the day with our church at the beach. It will be fun. There will be food, games, a bonfire, singing, and good times in general. I hope it is hot enough for a dip in the Pacific. If you read this and aren't part of our church you are still invited. Please come. See here for info.

So in celebration of my pending birthday I am providing a list of the ultimate gifts somebody could buy me for my special day. These are in order of value. Rich people in the audience... keep scrolling. I am giving ideas from under $100 all the way to Bill Gates can buy me that. Please note this is not my way of asking for a gift, I don't need gifts. This is just the dream list that if I wanted or needed gifts these would speak well of the gift giver.

Idea #1
$24.99 at Amazon.com

Idea #2
$130.00 at your local liquor store.

Idea #3
Sig Sauer P232- Two-Tone
$720.00 MSRP

Idea #4
Macbook Pro 17" 2.4Ghz
$2,799.00

Idea #5
Harley Davidson fFLHX Street Glide
$18,000 or so

Idea #6
Ariel Atom - Supercharged version
$50,000+ approx.

Idea #7

Ferrari Dino
$... if you have to ask, you can't afford it

Here is to my birthday. Yeah, me.

Thank you Lord for the 38 years and 360 days thus far.

Bad Song Lyrics

Sometimes a line in a song ruins the whole song for me. A case in point:

This is from The Fight Song by Sanctus Real.
"I don't really want to cry over issues
Wet tissues stick to my shoes"

Really... that's what you came up with to rhyme with "cry over issues"... so sad... Wet tissues... come on... why are you stepping on them... I throw mine in the garbage after a good cry... wait... no. I don't cry. come on.

Back to lyrics school for you boy. Back!

Robots in Disguise

Last night I took in the movie Transformers. It was awesome. Better than I thought it would be.

I went into the movie with little expectation due to my disappointment with Spiderman 3. I left wanting to see it again.

The low points include a very unnecessary discussion during a scene with the mom & dad in the boy's room regarding what he may have been doing in his room behind the locked door. Some of the action scenes moved too fast to understand who was who and what was really happening. And the one thing that always bothers me in books and movies is when the time frame of events is difficult to follow. As far as you can tell all the events in the movie took place in a day.

The high points include amazing CGI and a sweet soundtrack. The actors did a good job. There were a number of recognizable faces but no huge stars that overwhelm the movie. The hype about product placement is true, there is a lot, however it didn't take away from the movie. The comedy was well placed and not too over the top silly.

All-in-all it is a fun ride worthy of the $9 it takes to get in the door.

And a final note to Chevy... you need to produce this car

Damn Noise

Pop, pop, pipity, pop!

That is all I am going to hear until midnight for the next week. Damn noise.

If I can't be the one making it I just get irritated. Damn noise.

Why do Oregon lawmakers make our firework restrictions so tight. Damn noise.

Why can't we have things that fly? Damn noise.

I want to light things up and shoot things like a real man does. Damn noise.

Why do we just get noise and petty sparks. It is just irritating. Damn noise.

Booms, streaks of fire, showers of fiery rain, explosions. Washington gets'em why can't we?

Damn the noise and give me fire.

Do Over

Have you ever wanted to just start over? Just move away to another place and start over. New job, new house, new neighbors, new friends... you know witness protection sort of start over.

Years ago my sister in-law and her husband did it. They moved from Illinois to Hawaii. As a matter of fact I did it too nine years ago. It was refreshing. A little nerve racking but refreshing nonetheless. Hawaii sounds nice.

I don't know what is bringing this on. It is just a thought. Or is it? If you get a change of address notice for us you'll know the answer.

Why the Atom is for ME

This video totally speaks for itself. Especially for those that know about me and the motorcycle.

Apocalypto

I stayed up late last night and watched Mel Gibson's Apocalypto. I just start out by saying that this is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. I didn't recognize a single face on the screen or understand a single word that was spoken and I still liked it.

The movie is subtitled so be prepared to read.

This movie was a combination of Gladiator and The Last of the Mohicans. The violence is brutal. The scenery is amazing. The camera work is genius, especially during the final chase scene. And the actors take you back a few hundred years and make you believe you are watching a documentary.

If this movie and The Passion of the Christ are examples of what Gibson is capable of creating I look forward to more of his work behind the camera.

Bugs Everywhere

Our roses have aphids and this is our eco-friendly way of taking care of them. We set free a mighty warrior, a killer, the destroyer of aphids. Today we set 1,500 ladybugs free in our yard.

Here are a couple of photos.


Ash... I would have used my gun on the aphids but it would have hurt my roses ;-)

Gosh Durn Allergies

I should be a church right now. However, my allergies have had my nose in an uproar all day. Sniffling, sneezing, blah, blah, all day. Yuck.

Paul had a "thorn in his side"... if I had written the NT I'd've said that I had a stuffy nose. Not quite as poetic or inspirational.

For fathers day I received Sienfeld's fifth season. I think I'll sit with some of that for a bit. Nothing like a Puffy Shirt to make one laugh and feel better.

Dream Theater

Yesterday was the release date for Dream Theater's new album Systematic Chaos.

Today I bought it. I actually bought the Special Edition which includes a bonus DVD. The best part about the bonus DVD is the addition of the whole album in 5.1 surround sound which is currently playing on my stereo system. So sweet.

I may have said this before and I'll say it again... Dream Theater is amazing.

So far the album does not disappoint. They carry on with the same virtuoso playing they've always had. Tight as ever. The track "Constant Motion" sounds like a tribute to Metallica; sounding much like "Battery" from the Master of Puppets album.

This past week I've had the pleasure of borrowing a friends copy of the Score DVD. This is a concert celebrating their 20 years together. It was the last concert of the Octavarium tour which took place at Radio City Music Hall. Half the concert was just the band and the other half they were joined by an orchestra. This DVD is just awesome and is high on my want list (My birthday is in July).

When it was over and they could talk about it
She said there's just one thing I have got to know
What in that moment when you were running so hard and fast
Made you stop and turn for home
He said I always knew you loved me even though I'd broken your heart
I always knew there'd be a place for me to make a brand new start

Oh love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Make us whole

When it was over and they could talk about it
They were sitting on the couch
She said what on earth made you stay here
When you finally figured out what I was all about
He said I always knew you'd do the right thing
Even though it might take some time
She said, Yeah, I felt that and that's probably what saved my life

Oh love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Make us whole

There is a love that never fails
There is a healing that always prevails
There is a hope that whispers a vow
A promise to stay while we're working it out
So come with your love and wash over us

~Sara Groves

For those that know... you are LOVED!

FIFTEEN SWEET YEARS!!!

Happy Anniversary Hon!

Fifteen years ago I pledged myself to a beautiful woman. For some crazy reason she said yes and has stuck with me all this time.

In celebration we got marked and will jump out of an airplane. Wahoo!

I am proud to be married to my best friend.

Here's to the next fifteen years.

Kathi, I love you.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

This is hard to believe. Portland is not in the top 10.

The 10 rainiest cities in the U.S. by amount of annual rainfall include:
Mobile, Ala.: 67 inches average annual rainfall; 59 average annual rainy days
Pensacola, Fla.: 65 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average annual rainy days
New Orleans, La.: 64 inches average annual rainfall; 59 average annual rainy days
West Palm Beach, Fla.: 63 inches average annual rainfall; 58 average annual rainy days
Lafayette, La.: 62 inches average annual rainfall; 55 average annual rainy days
Baton Rouge, La.: 62 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average annual rainy days
Miami, Fla.: 62 inches average annual rainfall; 57 average annual rainy days
Port Arthur, Texas: 61 inches average annual rainfall; 51 average annual rainy days
Tallahassee, Fla.: 61 inches average annual rainfall; 56 average annual rainy days
Lake Charles, La.: 58 inches average annual rainfall; 50 average annual rainy days

Full article here.

The way we complain and moan about the rain you'd think we were drowning in it.

Shout Out to Troy

I am late with a shout out to my friend Troy for rescuing me in a time of stupidity and panic.

There are times when I wonder why I am still alive. Mothers Day was one of those days.

My lovely wife asked that I finish a Honey-do as a favor to her sanity for Mothers Day. That project involved putting back up some shelves in the garage. These shelves were taken down when my dad and I installed our garage door opener.

In order to put the shelves back up I had to split them in two. One side I put back in its original location and the other I was going to put up on the next wall over. I measured... twice. I marked. I began to drill.

Have you ever drilled into wood and hit a knot? I have. And that is what I thought happened here so I gave the drill a quick push and a second or two later it was back on the move. Not one millionth of a second after completing that push did it take me to realize my error. The lights flickered, the drill sparked and I about shit myself. As words that all sailors know started to uncontrollably fly from my mouth I quickly pulled the drill from the wall. The tip of the drill bit was about 1/2" shorter than it used to be and was glowing red hot.

I panicked. What did I do? What is going to happen? I leave for Mexico tomorrow, and, what if? and, oh, Oh, oh, oh. Call Troy. That was the only thing I could think of. Call Troy. He'll know what to do.

I didn't just drill into a set of wires. I drilled into the wire. The main. I know. Crap. I could have killed myself. Troy assured me of that during his visit.

Troy was quick to respond. He came over and opened up the wall. Checked a couple of things and assured my that we were probably okay for now but should call an electrician to check it out. He told me I was lucky that I only hit one of the mains and not both. And that I was lucky I didn't electrocute my self. Thank God for a ladder and my plastic drill.

Troy put my mind at ease. Thanks man. I owe you one. Sorry I am allergic to dogs or I'd help out with the boys. By the way, the electrician came by while I was gone and said we were okay. He also said I should have known I was drilling through a metal plate. Probably.

Mt. St. Helens

Yesterday we went with our home school group to Mount St. Helens. It was the 27th anniversary of the eruption on May 18th, 1980.

We had a great time seeing the new growth and learn more about the volcano and its history and possible future.

Here is a panorama photo I took:

If you haven't been, go. It is worth the drive. Sometime I'd like to hike the rim.

My favorite statistic given was that the dome inside the crater grows a pickup truck load of lava every second. That is cool.

Home

Finally home. Tired. Pooped. Ready for some sleep.

After countless hours in the garbage (literally) of Mexico and taxi's from hell I'm finally home. It was a long and hard trip. When people hear that I was in Mexico they get excited. They need not be. It was work. Hard work and long hours and little sleep and... and... time to rest. There were no white sandy beaches with Margarita's and fish tacos. Only work. I'm not looking for sympathy, just painting reality. I am glad to do these trips as it gives me good experience and helps me do my job better. It's just nice when they are over.

Okay so not much rest yet. It is Brianna's birthday today and Alex's birthday tomorrow. Love you kiddo's and happy birthday to you both. Thanks for the warm welcome home. We are going to Mt. St. Helen's tomorrow with the home school group. I'll rest after that.

Something hit me as I departed the plane in Houston before heading off to Portland. America is the melting pot that I've always heard it is. In Mexico all I saw was Mexicans. No Asians, Africans, Arabs, Jews, Indians, or other ethnic groups. Only Mexicans. There was an occasional white but that was at either the hotel or the last customer I visited. Once I hit Houston I saw every ethnicity you can think of. Seriously what a great country we live in. The diversity is very exciting. Just an observation.

Craziness

I made it to Mexico City. No issues. No problems.

So far it reminds me of Tijuana on crack. It is much bigger and people drive much crazier. My cabbie was insane. Juking and jiving his way through traffic. Lanes... lanes... I don't need no stinking lanes. Flying in you can see the city go on for miles and miles.

My hotel is in the industrial district so there is not much to see around here. The view out my window... well let's just say I won't be taking any photos.

More later.

Mushroom House

My kids think living in this house would be the best.

I don't know what to think. Part of me thinks it is a beautiful piece of architecture and the other part struggles with the colossal amount selfishness and greed.

On my mind right Now!

I love the sound of rain on my new office's windows. Love it!

I am going to watch Spiderman with Alex tonight. He's just a little excited. Should be fun.

I love my wife. Truly, madly, deeply.

Seaside tomorrow.

Spiderman III tomorrow night.

Hopefully some rest soon. R.E.S.T. not sleep. Although sleep would be good.

Vince Flynn where is my book. Write another soon buddy. Soon.

Yakisoba noodles are soo good.

We sell screeners, not window screens people. There is a difference. A 50,000 pound difference.

Not in any order.

Gripe Sheet

I don't know if this is real or not. It is funny so I'm posting it.

In case you may need a laugh: Always remember that it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one!
Reassurance for all those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major
airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.